Thursday, December 25, 2014

Surprise Packages

Waking up this morning was hard.
My body was tired, my muscles sore, my attitude a jumbled mess of emotion.
Despite my troubles, my worries and my pains, there is a burden on my heart I cannot ignore.
I lay and I dread getting up, but my burden pushes at me, wants to lift me by the shoulders and get me on my way. Tell them, it whispers.
My spirit has jumped up to grab the burden, and in spite of myself I find myself begrudgingly following, tagging along with my childlike side, which is racing after the burden. Together we grab it, and I find myself, heart and soul, being lifted up, encouraged and strengthened as this balloon-like burden lifts us up, not down.

What is this?

How can this be?

He did it!

In my humanity I forgot. In the space of a day I got tired, and my weariness led to frustration. I forgot- but somehow I have it still. This burden, this message, this gift, this life.....

He hasn't left me.
My burden has a name, and He's given me a heart.
He gave me His heart.
I am astounded again, but somenow I can speak.
Would you hear it?
Listen well...

His heart is the heart of a man who saw the darkest things, wept over them, and loved them.
And still He came! And loved.... And he loved us.
He loved me, with all my mess.
And you, he loved you too, even in your brokenness!
He fought for us, I tell you! He fought to bottle your tears and catch your fall.
He gave his life for it, for you, for me.

But He came as a surprise, you know.
To you, to me, to his teenaged mom.
Things weren't supposed to happen that way,
And no one saw it coming.
The signs told about it and the earth declared it, but we were still confused, lost in the dark.
Yet for all our confusion, he came.

He came the weakest He could be, a simple baby in a humble family, in one of the darkest times of the world.
The world must have stopped for a second, when nature realized that God just became man.
Can you imagine, the wind holding its breath?
And then came the baby's first cry, announcing himself so normally to the world, no pomp at all.
But nature couldn't hold itself back, the heavens needed to rejoice.
They saw what we couldn't. A Savior was born! Hope breathed life into the world, and the peace on that day couldn't be contained. Peace exploded into joy as the stars arranged themselves to point to the world- He's Here! He did it! Look, come and see! Soon all shall be restored! 
Then the Heavens shouted as the hosts of angels came to declare- these other beings created just to serve Him, how on that lovely night they praised Him! Glory to God in the Highest, and on earth, peace to men...

He surprised the world.
Death didn't stand a change, and darkness fled before him.
Many didn't see, they couldn't. But still he came, accomplishing His purpose.

He brought life into the world.
He set the earth in motion, to begin the restoration.
Still he is here... Surprising us.
How could we know, how could we see?
We cannot predict the plans of God....
But we can encounter them, and be moved by them.
Or we can ignore them...

Here is my prayer for you, and for me, this Christmas morning.
I pray that we would be surprised around the corners today.
Those moments you dread, those darkest deepest shadows of your heart...
I pray that we would find Him there, a light in the darkness.
I pray that He would invade your hearts with life, as only God can.
I hope that today, you will remember His love as I did, and you will know His heart.

And I pray that we would be those people talked about in Isaiah, who "walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness, his light has dawned....."
I pray that you would rejoice! That in the darkest times you would hold on to hope, you would know peace, and even when you shouldn't, you would feel joy.... For you are Loved.

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given,
And the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called wonderful counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the greatness of his government and peace
There will be no end."
-Isaiah 9:6-7a

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Confessions of the Ever Positive Person

Have you ever walked through the door and unexpectedly found yourself crying?
Somehow this happens to me a lot.
You see, I'm the kind of person that shows all my emotions all the time, except for the negative ones. I always have a smile on my face. Generally people know something is wrong if I'm not smiling. I've always been the kind of person that sees the silver lining and everything, and keeps my negativity to myself- Until I get home that is. At home I can't be fake, and somehow all the emotions come out, all at once.

My whole life I've been this way. I remember one time when I flipped head over heels on my bike, after coming down a steep hill and hitting a speed bump. There was a definite smack and loss of air as I hit that asphalt, HARD. Did it hurt? Oh yeah. But did Megan cry? oh no. I picked up my bike and walked myself shakily back to our campground (on one of our many family camping trips). People asked me if I was ok and I smiled and joked and kept walking. The second the camper door closed behind me I collapsed into a crying heap on the floor in front of my mom.

Even rocks feel emotions people. Why else would they show the weather of time and space across their faces? Here's the deal: I'm not saying don't be positive. I am the Biggest fan of positivity in the world. I generally think the cure for everything (other than Jesus) is either a cup of tea, a good night's sleep, or a simple smile. (Sometimes all three...).

But sometimes the best cure is that raw human emotion we talked about earlier (see previous post).
My thought on my 'anti-negativity' stance that sharing those thoughts generally doesn't help anyone. I'm not trying to be in-genuine, just trying to enjoy life, you know?

Yet I am still so human, and it just takes one thing to remind me. One thing, like coming home after a long stay away, and not hearing the familiar jingle and bark that was constant through my childhood. This happened last night, when I came home from college, and for a split second I looked for my dog, even though I knew she wasn't there. They'd already told me, but I forgot. Then the welcoming bark failed to come, and that little wagging tail never showed.

So here's the deal people. Please be real. That doesn't mean let yourself go all the time, or that you should give in to negativity. But its ok to cry when things go wrong, or be upset when something happens. Just remember that you are human. Even God cries. Remember Jesus weeping over Lazarus? (if not ask me sometime and I'll tell you all about it).

The best advice that someone ever gave me was after my Grandma died, and I was (in appearance) my usual, happy, "God is good" self. On the inside I was dying and afraid and so extremely sad. This friend of mine saw it, gave me a hug, and whispered "It's OK to cry" in my ear.

I'm not rejecting my love of positivity, tea or silver-linings. And sleep and smiles definitely never seem to hurt (joy comes in the morning, remember?). But I'm admitting that in my journey through life, I get hurt, and I cry.... and it's OK. Be human.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:15)

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Raw Life

Hey friends-

Let's be real. Sometimes life is rough. Sometimes we realize that not everything is as perfect as we'd like it to be. Our dog dies, our friend's moms get cancer, or maybe we just lose touch with that life that we have, the one we've been reaching and grabbing for.
No matter how much you love or hate life, you know what I mean. There is something deep in all of our souls that hungers, thirsts, aches ... no, GROANS for ... well, I can't come up with any word other than LIFE.

Maybe that's why I find myself constantly re-evaluating what I do. And maybe it explains why I've listened to One Republic's song "I lived" about 30 times today...

I want that, you know? To live life to the fullest.
Maybe I'm really wrong about people, but it seems like we all want that. At the end of the day we want to say that no matter what we went through or whatever 'happened' to us, that we lived and lived well.
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I'm pretty sure the Bible talks about this... a lot. In Matthew when Jesus talks to the woman at the well, he addresses her thirst, her ever searching lifestyle.
He's the answer, but still we struggle on. Why are we so silly? Personally, I have a pretty thick skull. I'm really stubborn, I'm not the best listener, and like almost any other girl I can get pretty emotional sometimes. 

And yet.
Somehow that pesky and marvelous God that I serve doesn't give up. He just keeps coming at me with truth after truth, reminding me time and again who I am (His daughter of course!).
Lol I'm such a mess. I hope this makes sense to you all.

In the end it comes down to this. Life is hard to live, and sometimes we might not feel the "desire" to be positive, to look for that oh so constant yet hard to see silver lining. But with God we have two things that are constant. 1) Somehow there is this crazy hope that just keeps flickering inside us, even if in our grouchiness we try to tamp it down. It's based on this knowledge that no matter what, in the end God WILL have the victory and His promises will win out, and we'll make it. and 2) we can choose.

How revolutionary is that? We serve a God who continues to love us through all of our human emotions and failures, through the disasters both big and small that rock our worlds, through All of our random questions and doubts and minor/major frustrations... No joke, friends, He's a persistent guy. A gentleman, but an unrelenting one.

So on one side we have this AWESOME God who loves us and cares enough to be continually knocking on our door, trying to help if we'll just let him. (Sometimes that means sitting by us as we vent, sometimes it means a comforting hand, sometimes it means fixing the situation like a roaring lion!)... On the other side, we have us. It is our choice how we look at each day. We can choose our attitude, we can choose our actions, our responses, our words. Heck, we can even open the door and let God have the day!

Hmmm. This song is on again... Making me think about dreams that I have.
My dreams make me wonder about those of my friends... or those of the random barista who gave me a wonderful chai latte the other day. My toes feel itchy. Maybe it's time to stop complaining and start living.

On my end- I'll open the door wide, fling it open for my King to come in. Im going to keep following His lead, keep dreaming, and keep my eyes and ears and heart as wide and as open as I can. Maybe I'll figure out this attitude thing after all. I know I'll find that life though... He promised it.

For all of us-- I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes
[we'll] say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived....

Well. Let's live. Not the foolish, stupid life. Just the real, everyday kind. Then maybe when we get to the end of this race together we can look back and say that we did it all. Just remember what my mom always says- "You can never choose what will happen around you. You can't change other people, you can't always change circumstances. The one thing you can change is you. You can choose to react well, and you can choose to smile." And Joshua too- He said that we can "choose this day whom you will serve... but as for me and my household we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 23:15) Whether or not it 'makes a difference,' I've made my decision for today, and tomorrow I'll have to make it again, because I'm human and I forget. Each new day I have to choose how I will react... 
Who knows? Changing our outlook just a smidge could be just what we need to fill that incessant thirst for life.... 

The only way you can know is to give it all you have

Till later friends! Hope you can see the joy in today!

-- An Adventuring Friend

Monday, November 10, 2014

Forbidden Places and Empty Spaces

Have you ever sat out on a forbidden balcony, covered yourself in blankets, and just watched the stars?
I have.
They don't do a whole lot, or at least they don't seem to.
But they exist. They are.

If stars were beings, what would they say?
There is no hustle or bustle with a star. They just are.
From countless miles away they shine.
They don't worry about past, present or future- all those moments are simply now.

How do you shine, dear stars?
Surely our childhood got you right, to notice your twinkling- just like the rarest of gems.

So far and yet so close. In the past yet also this moment, and for billions of moments more.
How do you shine?

I tried to count the stars and I couldn't.
Tried naming them and it was too much.
Then I looked, just looked, and sat and looked some more.
How can they be so....?
How can they be?
(Can I just Be?)

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

What a life...

Have you ever lived upside down?
Try it some time.
Living life upside down you see it inside out.

I lived upside down for a day....
Gnarled branches spread from the tips of knotted trunks.
Through their leafy covering the gentle wind plays tag
With clouds that run and laugh and cloak themselves in shapes.
I laugh with them, lost in the soft green carpet of itchiness....
But the little blades turn into a bed under my sunbaked body.

My soul is lost in the wind and my body is empty,
I am gone with the wind, delighted in the twitters over and around me-
A mockingbird and dove sing to each other above me, sweet songs of friendly banter.

Planes hum overhead and chattering goes on around me.
Life passes me by yet I move with the wind.
I am lost but I am found, gone from myself yet here nonetheless.
Life goes on around me, yet Here has never been more now.
Tired limbs raise up with joy still.
Quiet hearts upside down, turned around for a time.
What joy is this- what life!

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Vision tests much?

Look,I have really bad vision. I not only am blind without contacts or glasses (near and far), but I am pretty oblivious to the world around me. I don't try to be, but I am. Lately, however, my vision has been changing. I still wear contacts, but somehow my eyes have been opened to see differently....
Today, for example, I couldn't help but note some of what my eyes have seen.

I see life,
Strumming his 12-string guitar, playing through the Beatles chords and John Denver's "Rocky Mountain high." He shows us the hits of acoustic history, and his passion for music ebbs and flows through the chords. Joy and wonder dance across the faces of his audience as he tells us- in between. nimble fingers' dancing movements-that he has been playing for 50 years.

I see hope,
Stirring in the bright orange disc hovering nearer still to the horizon. Purples and pinks light up the sky with grey blobs full of healing drops ( yes- clouds ) accenting their vibrant hues. The calm blue  ocean-sky fades to dusk through trees of fir and pine. The beauty surrounds, enveloping heart and soul and stealing breath and thought and worry. As if whispering to the distraught or poor of spirit it says "Be calm my child. Be still." The day does not surrender to the night, but welcomes it. So I will not surrender to the fear of darkness, but hope in the light that calms. For even when darkness surrounds. The light has written a promise on the sky- it will return. And better will be the next than the last.

I see so much more in this day- in parents reaching for hands bound by rings, in divinely inspired spires that see mountainous wonders, in friends young and old communing together. I look around and see hope and love and life- in the midst of a day like all days (filled with all ranges of human emotions from grief to anger to joy), I look around and see God. He is there in the heart of the man strumming, in the architecture of sunsets, and even in the frustration or sadness of loss or pain. I see because He has opened my eyes to see.
I look to Him and I see the world differently.

My dear friends, what do you see, and why?
Would you change it if you could?

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Life to the Full

Have you ever walked with giants?

Well, friends, tonight I sat among giants of men.
These were giants, not of stature -definitely not because they were tall and I am small.
 Nor were these giants of position, class, wealth, knowledge or age.

Indeed, to the average eye these were no more than simply average men and women.
Yet I tell you that I met them, talked with them, looked them in the eye!

Would you believe it?
These were...
Giants unlike any the world has ever seen, yet big enough to make my heart feel small.
Giants with humility great enough to disguise their size, and
Giants with peace so grand it covers the room with a blanket of confidence.
Giants joy which cannot be defeated by disaster or trial or pain,
And Giants with love so strong it bridges cultures to lay down a life in exchange for freedom.

To my utter astonishment I found myself conversing with them- modern day heroes of faith.
They told me they were ordinary men and women, just like me.
"We started with nothing," they tell me, "just a mustard seed."
They took what they had and went out to change the world.

I wish I could tell you more,
I wish I could share their stories.
Inspired, they were, yet overflowing with truth.
They told me I could do the same, even more if I dared.

Dare to believe in the God that saves.
Believe in the mustard seed He gave.
Give that mustard seed to others,
And watch it grow.

Look, sometimes Life is rough. Sometimes I don't want to face the day, get out of bed or see the sun.
But God has more planned for us, He told us Himself! 
If only we would look around, we'd see- Life is a Gift, so we can Give Thanks!
When you give thanks, you're starting that seed, you're starting to believe.
The more you believe, the more you look up and not down, around and not in, the more you'll be changed,
the more that you'll grow. Not in stature or wealth, but in light and in life. 
The giants I spoke of were simply people. I saw them as giants because their faith was that large.
They had faith to move mountains indeed!

Look at your life and have hope. Here is a secret- THAT IS HIS PLAN. 
He said it Himself, in the book of Jeremiah. 
Look it up for yourself. Chapter 29 verse 11 right there plain as day,
"a hope and a future" He has for you people. So rejoice and believe, right here and right now!
Tomorrow won't come, its too far away. Stop waiting for time and take what you have.
Its all that we've got, so use it up quick and use it up right. 
If you can't do that, why, you'll move in circles, not up or down or across or straight. 
But oh, if you Rejoice! That seed will grow and it will grow, till your life is on overflow.
So try, won't you? Today look around, rejoice here and now!
If you look you will find, there is always that line. 
As long as Today is that day, you'll find that shimmering color in clouds.
For He is with us, right here and right now!

But look while you can, and live while we can. 
When Today becomes Tomorrow, Yesterday is gone. 
Time's running out, and when it is gone- the choices we made Today will decide our Tomorrow. 
So will you have life, and live to the fullest?

That is the dare you are supposed to dare. Dare to believe, and grow to face giants and move mountains you will. 

Sunday, June 15, 2014

A Father's Right

What better example is there of unconditional love than a father who stays by his children?

Did anyone else notice all the posts on social media, about Father's day today? I did.

You could have seen something different, since we have different friends, but what I saw was a lot of thankfulness. I saw dozens of people, with not-perfect fathers, who declared them perfect anyway.
hat better example is there of unconditional love than a father who stays by his children?

Because they see that their fathers are doing the 'best they can with what they know' (Anonymous), and their fathers were THERE.  If we can give our earthly fathers grace to cover their mistakes, why not our heavenly Father? See, God doesn't make mistakes, yet we shun him based on imaginary slights or seemingly unanswered prayers.

Didn't your father ever say no? I know mine did, frequently, and I am the better for it. Is it not his right as a guardian to say no to his children? Why then do we groan when the Lord exercises His fatherly right to say NO?

Do not fear, do not let yourselves become cold. Our Father is standing on the throne, and waiting for the right moment to announce his victory. Do not turn away from God because He says no! Didn't he say that the hairs on your head are numbered? And is not our hair constantly growing and falling out? For God to number your hairs means He is Constantly paying attention to you. Rather than let your hearts be hardened, trust that as our fathers knew how to protect and grow us, so God knows even more.

"And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming... How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" -1 John 2:28, 3:1

In closing, a quick shout out (or write out? If you want it to be a shout out, just make sure there's no one around you. They Might think you're crazy) to two people. First, to those of you who do not have a father, or not a good one. Take heart! Did not Jesus tell us to pray to God as "Our Father?"
If you have received Jesus as your Savior, He has declared you as His child.
"...And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Sprit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." -Romans 8:15-16

Finally, here's to my dad. Daddy, you have shown me time and again what God's love looks like, feels like, acts like. You have covered me and corrected me and watched over me time after time, you have shown me what faithfulness looks like through your love to Mom (30 years strong!), and you have been my Friend and confidant and advisor through many days good and bad. I honestly would not be who I am or where I am, without you. You showed me how to live, and you taught me of our Lord- and for this I am eternally grateful. I love you Daddy.

To all of you dear friends, thank you again for reading! My desire is for you to be lifted up today, so rejoice and be glad! Remember to look around and share life with the people around you, and make every moment count!


A fellow Adventurer

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Got Hope? Not Always... Confessions of the sluggish worshipper

Hello there friends!

Hope you're all doing well. If not, Hopefully I can help that word have a little more meaning for you. (Oh yes, my terribly punny self is alive and well today 0:-)

Do you ever find yourselves just Struggling to join in worship? Today's just not your day, perhaps.
Trust me, I know the feeling.

I used to hate Philippians 4:4, that timeless verse that urges people to "Rejoice in the Lord Always." Obviously, you can see MY life, I would say. Lots to rejoice about, loads even. Oh wait, I forgot something in that sentence- NOT.
Then, as if things couldn't get Any better, the writer says "I will say it again, Rejoice!"
At this point, I would just be frustrated. What kind of God could look at this world and seeing all of its depravity, still ask me to rejoice? Even more infuriating was that it this God asked not just robotic rejoicing, but genuine, heart-felt joy!

Hopefully observant readers will have noticed my use of the past tense... I used to hate Philippians 4:4. I used to be angry with the God that would allow a devastated world to exist, and a broken me. Then He asked me to REJOICE? Maybe you can imagine my frustration, my disappointment.
 Until I realized that the author of this verse asks us to rejoice not because the world is good or because life is going well- but because of what the next verse says. "the Lord is near." Or, in some translations, "the Lord is at hand."
Can you imagine? Think for a moment. The God of the Universe, King of All Creation, the One who formed you and knew you before you were even conceived... even more, the One who has been working for all of time to reveal His love to man, the One who Gave His SON, He not only LOVES you, but He is near to You. Indeed, He is at hand.

I pictured Him then, standing in front of me.
He'd always been there, staring at me, with His arms wide open.
Then again, next to me. He'd always been there, walking with me.
Ever the gentleman, not to butt in unless asked,
He had quietly been doing what was best for me-- as much as I would permit.
Then again, behind me. He was there also, picking up the pieces,
Watching my back, Urging me forward.

Look, I can't always see God. I don't have Elijah's Open-Heaven-Vision glasses. Because of this, I make mistakes, and I still have moments of doubt. And just because I have had a few open-heaven moments doesn't mean my life is easy; I have had plenty of trouble. But I rejoice, indeed I "take heart" everyday, because there He is. Jesus walks in front of me as my Jehovah-Nissi (my banner), beside me as my companion and guide, and behind me as my rearguard. I look to Him and I find this inner peace and joy just bubbling up inside of me. I find this in all times. Recently, this has included times of grieving a suicide, contemplating the horror of a newborn struggling to survive, feeling exhaustion of finishing another semester, recuperating from health issues, and so much more, both of the good and painful sides of life. In EVERY one of these situations, when I simply acknowledge the Savior who said "I am the truth and the life and the way," He pokes and prods something within me that gives me joy in the midst of trial, pain and even weeping.

He said if I asked, I'd receive. I just never thought it could be this great.
Rejoicing in the Lord always is not just a command, it is my freedom and my right.
He has given me life and life to the full.
I am redeemed and He is within me, He is with me, in front of me, beside me and behind me.
All it took was just a step forward, a raised hand, a spoken word,
and suddenly, my heart would be full, like a river overflowing.
To quote another friend, "let the storms rage on" ( oh yes, I went there. )
this joy can't be taken.
He has overcome the world. He said it Himself.

"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Chasing Perfection

"Be perfect."

What phrase could be more daunting, more frustratingly impossible?
Try this one on for size -- "Be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48).
Now we have not just a call for perfection, but God as the standard. How can mere men ever dare or even hope to reach this lofty standard?

Honestly I'm not too much of a fan of theological debates. But this one cannot get away from my mind's unyielding grasp. Why would God say something He did not mean? Would He? Could He?

Or maybe.... He meant exactly what He said, and we have only grasped part. Surely, being perfect applies somehow to obeying the laws of God and living for Him, but that discussion is for another time. For now, I would suggest that perhaps part of perfection is not how we live or who we live for (though that must certainly have something to do with the subject), but how we love and who we love and on whose behalf we give and receive love.

All other debates aside, let us just think of God's commands for us to love.
Matthew 22:37-40 tells us to love God and love our neighbors,
John 15:9-12 tells us to abide in God's love and love others as He loves us,
Matthew 5:43-47 tells us to love our enemies the same way we love our brothers- which should be as He loved us first, and countless other verses throughout the Bible tell us to love one another....
All of these commandments to LOVE, and we say that perfection is in obedience?
(Mind you, part of love and abiding in love is obedience, but once again I think that is for another time.)

Here's an idea: let's try it, this love.
I'd bet perfection comes along for the ride.
After all, this love is unlike any other.

What could be more perfect than a love like His?
Love that covers, heals and comforts;
Love that is real, love that is 'patient and kind,'
Love that says 'you first, then me.'

Can you imagine, the peace and joy this love would bring?
Love of innocence, of truth and of goodness,   
Love with endurance, belief, and hope, and 
Love that never ends.

This love is radical. It is
Love for Him, love for me, love for them,
Love to lay down and not to take,
Love to love and nothing else.

Especially on this Mother's Day, when we are supposed to honor those women who gave us life at birth and life through living, let us go one step further than honor. Let's love one another.
Let's love- our moms, family, friends, and strangers too.
Let's chase perfection, starting and ending with loving God and people.

On a side note, thank you for your patience in all of my meanderings. I know my thoughts can be scattered and lengthy... And to any Mom's reading this, Happy Mother's Day- We really do honor you for all you've done, and love you for all you are. 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Easter: Meanderings of Faith

Well Hello Friends. Nice to see you there.

Let's be real. That's "really" (oh yes, I got my punny side from my father) why I created this blog. This is from my heart to yours. Maybe you'll read this and get something out of it, or maybe I will get a rant off my chest. My goal is simply to live life all the way with Jesus.
Well, here goes!

In the interest of Easter.... Well, I thought I'd share a little bit of what's been on my mind this wonderful not so Sunday anymore (not that you cared, but it's midnight. I'm in to details).

This might be long. Sorry not sorry? Your choice to read.
I love you all either way. :)
Today I have known Jesus for 15 years. This is an honest reflection of my heart right now... Take it as you will.

Dreams are something hard to dream. We can be afraid to dream, afraid to start, afraid to trust, afraid to hide.
I know I am.

Trust. My mind balks at the word.
The list of "cannots" dulls my soul.
My heart beats slowly, then rapidly, in wild turns of depression and fear.
Cannot trust, cannot draw near. Cannot hope, cannot withstand the burn, cannot... cannot.
My mind and heart struggle, Feeling heavy, as in a fog full to drowning.

Something within me stops, frustration evidenced on my heart's longing face,
pounding through its unsteady beats.
I KNOW! .... I have been told.... He said!.... Didn't He?

Fear tries to block out trust, walling me in on every side, pushing out light, pushing out hope- can anyone hear?
The fear screams in the silence of isolation.

Dimly, my heart hears Trust call me by name. Can it hope?
Fear is silenced - fearful to fear. Afraid of unanswered hopes, afraid of not fearing.
I try to hide, deep in a shell of misery...
But like a clear note or a soft whisper,
Trust tugs at my heart - "come to me."

It is Him, He is here, whispers my tired heart.
A stirring as breeze through the trees shakes and sifts the fog.
Is it real? The fog tries to settle.

Surely, it cannot be.
Another Cannot.

Again, trust knocks on my heart, the persistent tap of a feather.
The fog and fear and heart and me just stare at one another- tense.
Could it be?

Like the coo of a dove, Trust whispers my name, words to blow my mind.
Come to me

Everything in me says no, it cannot, you cannot, He cannot.
But my heart has set my course, it cannot be deterred.
As in waking from a dream, or crying out from the slothful place, or reaching up from the pits,
my heart responds... weakly... 'I am coming.'

Did He hear? Does He know?
My heart starts to sink, but rises up again - "I don't care!" it says.
Life is one way. I follow that hope. Hope of Love.

My heart gets up now, dragging soggy, torn limbs of the worried me.
Come along, it says. Him we will seek, Him we shall find.
He called me.
I told Him I'm Coming.