Tuesday, February 2, 2016

The day I lost control and it was the best thing ever

So, yeah. I'm not in control. And I'm ok with that.

Before I start, can I just clear something up?
Feeling humbled does not mean I feel less,
only that someone Else has become more.
Someone greater than myself has risen in my esteem,
so my thoughts are turned towards Him.

This isn't a classic romance, ok?
It's a sweeter one than the world can give.
And my heart has been touched in the deepest places.

Want to hear?

The Lord has humbled me.
He took me up from the places I had set myself.
He took the control out of my hands, and in its place gave me freedom.
I know it sounds contradictory, but it is the truest thing I've ever said.

The Lord took me out of control and gave me freedom.


He humbled me.
He turned my thoughts from me to Him.

In my arrogance, I thought I could control them.
I could tell the people what to think, and they would listen to me.
And they did- many were swayed by my fancy words, my 'wise' speech.
But the sound of my wisdom rang with a pang in my ears.
It was not true, but somehow off pitch, off kilter, lost..

He humbled me.
He closed my mouth and opened my heart.
He is teaching me to listen, to love, to really truly LISTEN.
And I am learning...

I'm finding that my word is not the final word, nor is it always the best.
I'm finding that I really just don't know it all, and that is actually a good thing.
I'm finding that I still have a lot to learn.

But that's not all.

The Lord humbled me again.
He turned calmed my rage and ministered to my soul.

In my pain, the hatred and violence came from my breast.
In my anger, I wanted to destroy, to loathe, to conquer, to shun.
I wanted to hate.
But the hatred left a bad taste in my mouth, the bitterness made the bile rise up, the anger made me swoon.
This too, was not of God.

So the Lord humbled me.
He spoke to the unforgiveness, and He called out my folly.
He challenged me to more, He said I was capable of more than hate and mindless rage.
He said I was capable of love.

Then He loved me.
He showed me love through people- even those I was supposed to serve, they began to speak words over me. The Lord used those I was 'supposed' to minister to- He used them to touch my heart.
He reminded me that He saw, that He cared, and that He had made me for more.
He cleansed me, washed me in water, and made me new.

So I gave my rage to him.
I gave up control.

But still He humbled me.
"Your hard work, your image, those are Mine too," He said.
So He took them, and He molded me into something.
He took the determination I had, and gave me a perseverance to endure past exhaustion, to even find rest in the storms.
He took all my skills and talents, and melded them with His.
He discarded the waste- it fell off in the fire.

What need have I of image? of status? of recognition?
I have been recognized by the Most High God.
Called His Own, given a place, trusted with His work.

He has humbled me to my core,
and He has made me His.
I am not my own, I was bought with a price.
Yet what freedom is mine! What Peace! What love!

I have lost control.
I cannot do it.
I am humbled by my smallness.

Yet the Lord!
He stands enthroned on High,
and He- He cares even for me.
In the valleys and on the mountains He has walked with me.
Through the storms He has carried me.
He has tended my heart.

I am not in control.
I don't think I ever really was...
But today, I recognize it again.

Yet I have hope.
I look to my Jesus, the One who is glorified over all!
Surely, the greatest reward is to be with Him.

So, "Return to your fortress, you prisoners of Hope!" (Zechariah 9:12)
The Lord Himself is coming.
Today is His day.

Not mine.
Isn't that the best?