The day I lost control and it was the best thing ever

So, yeah. I'm not in control. And I'm ok with that.

Before I start, can I just clear something up?
Feeling humbled does not mean I feel less,
only that someone Else has become more.
Someone greater than myself has risen in my esteem,
so my thoughts are turned towards Him.

This isn't a classic romance, ok?
It's a sweeter one than the world can give.
And my heart has been touched in the deepest places.

Want to hear?

The Lord has humbled me.
He took me up from the places I had set myself.
He took the control out of my hands, and in its place gave me freedom.
I know it sounds contradictory, but it is the truest thing I've ever said.

The Lord took me out of control and gave me freedom.

How?

He humbled me.
He turned my thoughts from me to Him.

In my arrogance, I thought I could control them.
I could tell the people what to think, and they would listen to me.
And they did- many were swayed by my fancy words, my 'wise' speech.
But the sound of my wisdom rang with a pang in my ears.
It was not true, but somehow off pitch, off kilter, lost..

He humbled me.
He closed my mouth and opened my heart.
He is teaching me to listen, to love, to really truly LISTEN.
And I am learning...

I'm finding that my word is not the final word, nor is it always the best.
I'm finding that I really just don't know it all, and that is actually a good thing.
I'm finding that I still have a lot to learn.

But that's not all.

The Lord humbled me again.
He turned calmed my rage and ministered to my soul.

In my pain, the hatred and violence came from my breast.
In my anger, I wanted to destroy, to loathe, to conquer, to shun.
I wanted to hate.
But the hatred left a bad taste in my mouth, the bitterness made the bile rise up, the anger made me swoon.
This too, was not of God.

So the Lord humbled me.
He spoke to the unforgiveness, and He called out my folly.
He challenged me to more, He said I was capable of more than hate and mindless rage.
He said I was capable of love.

Then He loved me.
He showed me love through people- even those I was supposed to serve, they began to speak words over me. The Lord used those I was 'supposed' to minister to- He used them to touch my heart.
He reminded me that He saw, that He cared, and that He had made me for more.
He cleansed me, washed me in water, and made me new.

So I gave my rage to him.
I gave up control.

But still He humbled me.
"Your hard work, your image, those are Mine too," He said.
So He took them, and He molded me into something.
He took the determination I had, and gave me a perseverance to endure past exhaustion, to even find rest in the storms.
He took all my skills and talents, and melded them with His.
He discarded the waste- it fell off in the fire.

What need have I of image? of status? of recognition?
I have been recognized by the Most High God.
Called His Own, given a place, trusted with His work.

He has humbled me to my core,
and He has made me His.
I am not my own, I was bought with a price.
Yet what freedom is mine! What Peace! What love!

I have lost control.
I cannot do it.
I am humbled by my smallness.

Yet the Lord!
He stands enthroned on High,
and He- He cares even for me.
In the valleys and on the mountains He has walked with me.
Through the storms He has carried me.
He has tended my heart.

I am not in control.
I don't think I ever really was...
But today, I recognize it again.

Yet I have hope.
I look to my Jesus, the One who is glorified over all!
Surely, the greatest reward is to be with Him.

So, "Return to your fortress, you prisoners of Hope!" (Zechariah 9:12)
The Lord Himself is coming.
Today is His day.

Not mine.
Isn't that the best?

Confessions of a Total Control Freak

Yeah, so I'm a control freak.

Don't think so? Get this: I've been freaking out about my future. Why not? I mean, I am a senior in college, I'm starting a new job this summer, and I'm leaving the places I have known for things that are totally new, and that I have no idea how God is going to use.

Still not seeing the control freak? Well, in my need for a feeling of stability, of control, I completely rearranged and redecorated my room, got frustrated with every person who even partially disagreed with me on anything, and considered all variety of insane things from getting another tattoo or piercing to dying my hair crazy colors.

Yikes. Like, maybe this is not a big deal for half the world, but please understand I am the girl that hates change. My parents got a new car when I was a kid, and I wept, hugged the old car, and wept a lot more. I hated the very idea that our sweet little red minivan was going away. It was a constant, a norm. So I freaked out, and I cried. OVER A CAR.

Pathetic, right?

Yeah, well, the thing is... I realized today that I've been doing that all over again. Seeing change coming up and freaking out about what is beyond my control. And honestly, I'm guessing I'm not the only one.

Want a diagnosis? Ask yourself a few questions: have you been feeling empty, frustrated, dissatisfied, or ridiculously exhausted, even when you aren't sick or sleep deprived? Feeling anxious over nothing, furious over the littlest things, or disgusted over aspects of life that aren't the way YOU would do them?

If you said yes to any of the above, you are potentially either depressed, sick, or struggling with a case of the control freak. If you feel sick, please just get some sleep and go to the doctor. If you feel at the level of depression, you need to talk to a counselor. Trust me, it will help, and there is no shame in seeking help. For the rest of us who are struggling to control EVERYTHING, well, we also need help. Again, trust me. This is my honest confession from real life struggles. You will not be able to fix everything on your own. The fact is, when we try to control things, we are trying to operate outside of where God put us.

In our frustration, we try to have things ordered just so. But here's a tip about God: He's not a fan of dictators (which is why He GAVE us freedom, rather than mandate that we serve him... but let's not go there, that's a whole other discussion).

Look, I am a visual person. So let's visualize. No one ever pictured life as an iron or a stone wall, right? That would be hard. The smooth edges are just too much to picture life happening on. I mean, you can't rationalize this video of a gurgling baby with a WALL. It just doesn't look like life. Yet, when we try to control, we try to create this perfect thing....

Guys.This control thing- it just won't work. STAHP. (I see all of you who cringed at my spelling. Your disgust has been noted).

So what is life? Well, generally, life has been associated with water, wells, rivers.... Flowing water is not just important to where men have settled their homes,  but it has come to represent what life looks like. Rivers are my favorite- they are messy, windy, straight, crackly, bubbly, and emotional (seriously). They can be smooth and calm, and the next second raging, frothy, and beautiful. And sometimes the rivers even fall -- for most of us, this is our favorite part.

Niagara falls. Anyone want to go? SO BEAUTIFUL.  

And I'm getting sidetracked. BUT THEY ARE SO PRETTY.

We're all afraid of the fall. This is why we complain so much about life flowing like a river. We long for adventure but freak out when it actually comes with all of its high mountains, smooth rivers, low valleys, and waterfalls.... Because when we get to the valley or the falls, we can no longer control the course of our river. 

So we set up camp, and we stop. Like stupid, stubborn idiots we stick in the valley or at the top of the falls because we are too afraid of what we can't control. 

But what if we gave up the need to control? In the Church, we call this humility. Its this insane process of acknowledging that you can't, or maybe that you aren't enough. 

Incredibly painful, but so worth it. It will help the frustration, ease the anxiety. You'll be able to be content, instead of pacing your room or feeling like some crazy unknown MUST change. 

You'll be able to sit, and be still. 

It's when you are still that you hear the babbling brook, winding its way through the deepest valleys. For those who are walking with the Spirit of God, this rush of life comes as a soft whisper, a worship song, a scripture, a word from a friend, or any variety of ways that our awesomely creative Creator chooses to use. 

So please, join me in laying down that ridiculous need to control. Calm down for a while. Take some time away from the busyness of the day to relax, to let go, and to worship God. It will be worth it. 

Seriously. So pretty. Calming pictures help too ;)

The Dance of Hope and Trust

Trusting-
It's like forgiving and breathing.
Like the beating of your heart, it has to keep repeating, going and drumming.

If it didn't, you would experience death in life,
Instead of the life in death that it offers.

Trusting makes you look around, see things.
You see stars instead of dark nights,
 the design of the wind instead of the ferocity of the storm.

Trusting gives hope.
Or, hope helps trust succeed....
Maybe trust is hope in action.

Trust is more intimate than hope, though.
It makes hope personal.

But what is underneath the two?
There has to be something inspiring their dance.
Is it faith?
No, faith is a certainty of hope, hope's child.

What is the foundation?
What is the ground that hope and trust dance on?

They are too vulnerable to grow alone.
Respect, admiration, these could not be the foundation- they whither in a day.
So what remains when hope and trust are gone?
From whence do they come? What drives their dance?

Sacrifice and offerings don't build hope or trust.

Unless-
What if the sacrifice is one of love?
Could it be a foundation?
Could love remain when trust and hope are gone?
Is love strong enough to hold the dreams of hope, and the arms of trust?

How does one trust?
Where does one find hope, if not in love?

Hope without love- it makes me shudder.
It seems more like fear than hope.
It is bred out of desperation, not hope.
Determination isn't enough for hope without love,
For determination will die before hope is fulfilled.


But hope WITH love has purpose.
Hope and love together breed faith, courage...
These bring determination.

Determination for what?
To persevere in action and character,
To trust the hope- hope of love.

Hope that dances on a strong foundation.
Trust that acts from Hope's inspiration.
All because of love-

Love that caused a Life (indeed, Life itself) to conquer Death.